We all have our demons, our issues; and I am facing more of mine. I have never written the following event in any of my journals, it was too painful. I am surprised I am writing it now.
My mother died 15 years ago. I adored my mother, absolutely adored her. She was my Goddess. My father died when I was 3 1/2 years old, and then my mother became my total world. There was a lot of pain in my realtionship with my mother, which I will not go into here at this time, but that pain abated and together we worked out many issues which brought us to a wonderful relationship the last 7 years of her life. My mother and I spoke on the phone at least 5 times day. She would call me at work and tell me 'the joke of the day'. If I happened not to be at work and she did not know I was home, she would speak with which ever co-worker who would be sitting at my desk when she called. She made phone relationships with several of my co-workers.
I lived nearby my mother so I would stop at her house as much as I could, and that would be at least 2 or 3 times a week.
November 9th, 1998, I went to visit her in the morning. For a few weeks before she had complained of being tired. My mother was never tired and always busy doing something. She was 80 years old and very active. She had serious arthritis and heart disease but she kept moving. One day she called me and said; 'guess what I am doing?' I said; 'what?" She said she was sitting down and making birthday cards. I asked her who she was making the cards for and she told me. She would usually make a card about one week before sometone's birthday but she was making them for months in advance. So here she was tired, sitting and making cards for way down the road; and I knew. I tried to push it away by asking her what she wanted to wear for Christmas and I ordered her some clothes. In my paniced mind I convinced myself that if I bought her clothes she would be there with me Christmas.
So I went to visit her that morning, on November 9th; and she stumbled a bit. She never ever stumbled before. I asked her if she were ok, and she said yes. I went on to work and left her at home with my stepfather.
Later that day, about 4:30pm, I got a phone call from my cousin and she asked me if anyone had called me. I told her, no. She told me that my mother had been raking leaves with my nephew, Michael, and that she had a heart attack. Michael called 911 and my mother was taken to the hospital at about 1pm that day and that she was still at the hospital. My cousin told me to hurry.
I immediately stood up from my desk and told a supervisor that someone would have to finish my work, and that I was leaving. She asked me why and I told her. Someone offered to drive me but I refused.
While driving to the hospital I could feel or sence spirits around me. I know this may sound crazy to some but it is what i felt. I felt like I knew some of them and that they all knew me, they were all family. I begged them to wait, please wait until I got there.
I arrived at the hospital at at about 5:30pm. They would not let me see my mother. My brother told me that he got there early and that he was able to sit with her a while and talk with her. I wanted to see my mother. I wanted to tell her that I loved her before she died. I begged them to let me see my mother and they kept saying, they would check and see if I could see her, but no one would let me see her.
I was crying, sobbing, and woman in the waiting room with me, came to sit by me and stroked my hair and spoke with me. I told her that my mother was dying and they would not let me see her. She held me and let me sob, and told me that we are never ready to let go.
Later one of the doctor's came out again to give an update. I asked again to see my mother. He said they were doing what they could for her and that I had to wait. Icould feel myself loosing control. I was on the edge as it was and felt myself fall over the edge. I told him in a cold and deep voice that if they did nto let me see my mother before she dies then someone is going to get hurt. I felt like I was in a bubble and everyting around me was foggy. Someone came and got me and moved from the waiting room to a hallway. There were a few relatives with me. I saw a very large man, a security guard and 2 city police officers. The doctor told me that this is an area they requested families to remain in. I knew he was keeping me there because of what I said. I remember thinking,'if I do loose control, they will sedate me, and that would be ok.'
My brother took me back in to the wating room. The waiting room was empy except for me. He eft for a minute and came back and told me that they were going to let me see my mother but I had to calm down. I immediately was calm and said 'ok'. The doctor came and got me and took me in to see my mother. There was a man on top of her doing compressions on her heart. The doctor told me Ihad only 5 minutes and I had to stand at the doorway and not go over to my mother. I said ok and I stood there. I saw that my mother's arm was hanging down from the table. I asked the doctor if I could hold her hand. I told him that I would not interfere and the I would only ask for a minute. He agreed. I walked over to the mother and stooped down to take her hand. Her hand was ice; so cold. I spoke to her and asked her to try. I told her that I loved her. The doctor told me that my time was up, so I went back to the waiting room. about 20 minutes later the doctor came out and said she had died.
At that time I felt like my mother waited for me before she left me, but now Iknow that is not true.
Some years on November 9th I am ok and some years I am very sad. This past November 9th I was ok, not sad, and I looked at that. But then in the back of my mind that entire experience was lingering. Today when I woke up I realized my mother had already died before they let me see her. I realized this because she was not in a regular emergency room. There were no monitors, no machines, no IV, nothing. She had died and they moved her to different room and decided how to best deal with me.
I called my youngest son this morning, Daryl; and told him. He listened to me. He told me that at that time I could not see how 'out of it' I was but everyone else around me could see it. HE also told me that the medical staff could not allow me in the emergency room ,they could not allow anyone in there while they were trying to save her. He aslo told me that the way they handled it was the best thing they could do to help me with my foirst stage of grief. What they did was a blessing.
I told Daryl that I did not get to say goodbye to the mother, that she did not get to hear me say that I love her. I cried this morning, as I am crying now, but I am not angry with them. I wanted to be angry with them but I am not. They did right my me. They helped me.
Daryl reminded me about those last year I had with my mother and how loving they were for both of us, and how many people don't have that. He told me that my mother knew I loved her. He also told me that I am focussing on my health and trying to loose weight, and I am focussing on my finances and trying to heal that part of myself too, and that this is all related. He said that maybe now I can deal with it and succeed.
I told him that I am on the threshold of acceptance.
I gained near 100 pounds within 6 months of my mother's death. I tried not to gain the wait and could not undrestand what was happening to me.
I bought her house from my stepfather, and I am so glad I did. I have surrounded myself with her memory there. Not only that, but I grew up there, my children grew up there, and other relative children and some of my grandchildren have grown up there for part of their lives. It is my home, and I know I bought it through my grief. But even when she was alive, I would ask her if I could buy the house and let her live there because I loved the house so much.
I feel at peace even though the grief has been taking holdof me thorughout the day, today.
I know it is a process and different for each of us.
I don't know what steps are in front of me, but as I said I feel I am at the threshold of acceptance.
Peace and Love to all
TTFN
My mother died 15 years ago. I adored my mother, absolutely adored her. She was my Goddess. My father died when I was 3 1/2 years old, and then my mother became my total world. There was a lot of pain in my realtionship with my mother, which I will not go into here at this time, but that pain abated and together we worked out many issues which brought us to a wonderful relationship the last 7 years of her life. My mother and I spoke on the phone at least 5 times day. She would call me at work and tell me 'the joke of the day'. If I happened not to be at work and she did not know I was home, she would speak with which ever co-worker who would be sitting at my desk when she called. She made phone relationships with several of my co-workers.
I lived nearby my mother so I would stop at her house as much as I could, and that would be at least 2 or 3 times a week.
November 9th, 1998, I went to visit her in the morning. For a few weeks before she had complained of being tired. My mother was never tired and always busy doing something. She was 80 years old and very active. She had serious arthritis and heart disease but she kept moving. One day she called me and said; 'guess what I am doing?' I said; 'what?" She said she was sitting down and making birthday cards. I asked her who she was making the cards for and she told me. She would usually make a card about one week before sometone's birthday but she was making them for months in advance. So here she was tired, sitting and making cards for way down the road; and I knew. I tried to push it away by asking her what she wanted to wear for Christmas and I ordered her some clothes. In my paniced mind I convinced myself that if I bought her clothes she would be there with me Christmas.
So I went to visit her that morning, on November 9th; and she stumbled a bit. She never ever stumbled before. I asked her if she were ok, and she said yes. I went on to work and left her at home with my stepfather.
Later that day, about 4:30pm, I got a phone call from my cousin and she asked me if anyone had called me. I told her, no. She told me that my mother had been raking leaves with my nephew, Michael, and that she had a heart attack. Michael called 911 and my mother was taken to the hospital at about 1pm that day and that she was still at the hospital. My cousin told me to hurry.
I immediately stood up from my desk and told a supervisor that someone would have to finish my work, and that I was leaving. She asked me why and I told her. Someone offered to drive me but I refused.
While driving to the hospital I could feel or sence spirits around me. I know this may sound crazy to some but it is what i felt. I felt like I knew some of them and that they all knew me, they were all family. I begged them to wait, please wait until I got there.
I arrived at the hospital at at about 5:30pm. They would not let me see my mother. My brother told me that he got there early and that he was able to sit with her a while and talk with her. I wanted to see my mother. I wanted to tell her that I loved her before she died. I begged them to let me see my mother and they kept saying, they would check and see if I could see her, but no one would let me see her.
I was crying, sobbing, and woman in the waiting room with me, came to sit by me and stroked my hair and spoke with me. I told her that my mother was dying and they would not let me see her. She held me and let me sob, and told me that we are never ready to let go.
Later one of the doctor's came out again to give an update. I asked again to see my mother. He said they were doing what they could for her and that I had to wait. Icould feel myself loosing control. I was on the edge as it was and felt myself fall over the edge. I told him in a cold and deep voice that if they did nto let me see my mother before she dies then someone is going to get hurt. I felt like I was in a bubble and everyting around me was foggy. Someone came and got me and moved from the waiting room to a hallway. There were a few relatives with me. I saw a very large man, a security guard and 2 city police officers. The doctor told me that this is an area they requested families to remain in. I knew he was keeping me there because of what I said. I remember thinking,'if I do loose control, they will sedate me, and that would be ok.'
My brother took me back in to the wating room. The waiting room was empy except for me. He eft for a minute and came back and told me that they were going to let me see my mother but I had to calm down. I immediately was calm and said 'ok'. The doctor came and got me and took me in to see my mother. There was a man on top of her doing compressions on her heart. The doctor told me Ihad only 5 minutes and I had to stand at the doorway and not go over to my mother. I said ok and I stood there. I saw that my mother's arm was hanging down from the table. I asked the doctor if I could hold her hand. I told him that I would not interfere and the I would only ask for a minute. He agreed. I walked over to the mother and stooped down to take her hand. Her hand was ice; so cold. I spoke to her and asked her to try. I told her that I loved her. The doctor told me that my time was up, so I went back to the waiting room. about 20 minutes later the doctor came out and said she had died.
At that time I felt like my mother waited for me before she left me, but now Iknow that is not true.
Some years on November 9th I am ok and some years I am very sad. This past November 9th I was ok, not sad, and I looked at that. But then in the back of my mind that entire experience was lingering. Today when I woke up I realized my mother had already died before they let me see her. I realized this because she was not in a regular emergency room. There were no monitors, no machines, no IV, nothing. She had died and they moved her to different room and decided how to best deal with me.
I called my youngest son this morning, Daryl; and told him. He listened to me. He told me that at that time I could not see how 'out of it' I was but everyone else around me could see it. HE also told me that the medical staff could not allow me in the emergency room ,they could not allow anyone in there while they were trying to save her. He aslo told me that the way they handled it was the best thing they could do to help me with my foirst stage of grief. What they did was a blessing.
I told Daryl that I did not get to say goodbye to the mother, that she did not get to hear me say that I love her. I cried this morning, as I am crying now, but I am not angry with them. I wanted to be angry with them but I am not. They did right my me. They helped me.
Daryl reminded me about those last year I had with my mother and how loving they were for both of us, and how many people don't have that. He told me that my mother knew I loved her. He also told me that I am focussing on my health and trying to loose weight, and I am focussing on my finances and trying to heal that part of myself too, and that this is all related. He said that maybe now I can deal with it and succeed.
I told him that I am on the threshold of acceptance.
I gained near 100 pounds within 6 months of my mother's death. I tried not to gain the wait and could not undrestand what was happening to me.
I bought her house from my stepfather, and I am so glad I did. I have surrounded myself with her memory there. Not only that, but I grew up there, my children grew up there, and other relative children and some of my grandchildren have grown up there for part of their lives. It is my home, and I know I bought it through my grief. But even when she was alive, I would ask her if I could buy the house and let her live there because I loved the house so much.
I feel at peace even though the grief has been taking holdof me thorughout the day, today.
I know it is a process and different for each of us.
I don't know what steps are in front of me, but as I said I feel I am at the threshold of acceptance.
Peace and Love to all
TTFN
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