So much for trying to write every week. I actually feel pretty good writing a post before one entire year goes by. However this post will most likely be short since I injured my index finger, and typing is not easy right now. Once my finger is well I will definately come back and write a fun story about Halloween and a mummy custume I tried to make. I was supposed to write that last year but did not. I will do it this year ! But right now I am going to write about weight, my weight.
Like many others I have struggled with my weight most of my life, and like many families most people in my family are overweight and struggle too. When we have a normal weighted person or a thin person, we are happy about that person but we do not understand that person. Most of us are healthy eaters but I must say that I think that I have the most healthy diet of anyone in my family. I eat mostly veggies and fruit with some meats. I have been eating more fish and poultry and less red meats this past year.
When I was a child my mother did not know that veggies could be steamed; they had to be fried in bacon fat. Evreything was fried in bacon fat. My mother's food was delicious but her cooking was Southern cooking and for the most part not very healthy.
Somewhere along my dietary road I learned about 'health food' and I learned to prepare foods in a more healthy way. I am still learning.
The problem is the not the food. Once I learned how to cook in a more lealthy way it was clear that the problem was not the food, at least for me.
The problem is my relationship with the food.
I began putting on weight when I was about 8 years old. I had a very traumatic childhood. I also got married when I was 17 and my husband was a batterer. I left that relationship when I was 27. Three times in my life I lost all the weight that I needed to loose but gained it back. As much as I have gained back I still weigh less than I did when I was married. I aboslutely REFUSE to weigh that much again. That number is more about him than the weight.
My mother died in 1998. For about 18 months before she died I was on a diet and doing well. I still had not learned how to eat in the world and not loose or gain weight. I also had no understanding of my emotional connection to food; AND I was in therapy at that time. I was in ongoing therapy since the day that I left my husband. Weight was addressed in my therapy however I had many other issues that took priority at that time.
When my mother died, I began gaining weight. I gained 80 pounds in 6 months and I absolutley could not understand what was happening to me, and nothing helped me. I was at a loss, but my loss was deeper than what I could understand.
I have had several doctors throughout my life and they have all been concerned for my health and my weight. I would get so angry with them because I thought they could not understand. I thought they did not know that I was doing the very best that I could and that I felt like a failure because I could not keep weight off even if I lost it. I now know that this was not true and now I have made peace with all of them, even the ones I nolonger see.
When I was 10 years old the motivation to loose weight was to stop being teased at school. When I was 24 years old the motivation was to get out of that horrible marriage and be able to get a job to support my kids and I believed that no one would hire me due to my weight. The motivation before my mother died was my young adult sons telling me they were worried about me, and I saw one of my sons loosing weight on a particular program so I tried that program and was loosing the weight. However that program is a protein based program and teaches nothing about how to live in the world once the weight is off and also does not deal with the problems of what put on the weight in the first place.
I feel like my time has come now. I gave up after my mother died and I gained the weight back. I gave up and tried to accept that this is me. I have just tried to keep from reaching that dreaded number on the scale of when I was married. The marriage and my ex are so appaling to me that I will not reach that number!!!
Last year, in September, I was diagnosed with Atriel Fibulation. That is an irregular heart beat and my heat beats too fast. The blood does not get pumped into the lower chambers of the heart very well, and can sit there and coagulate and cause a stroke. So I am on medication for this. I asked one doctor if my weight is the cause. She said no, that it is an electrical problem, but she was still concerned about my weight, and that the weight can cause a heart attack.
We (I) all know that these things happen, and we (I) all know what causes a lot of them, but we (I) stay in denial until it happens.
About 2 years ago I was going to weight watchers and doing ok. One thing I like about WW is that they teach you to 'eat' in the world. That nothing is off limits but it must be counted. For a normal weighted person, they don't need to count, there body and mind just do it autmaticaly. I am not saying they don't pay attention to what they eat, I am just saying that there are those of us who must count or consciously measure (or visually measure) everything. For me it is a constant awareness. I have to be consciously aware of every bite I eat. When I keep myself up front as my number one priority I can do this. But if I slip down my list of priorities then I fail to do this and then I fail. I have been teaching myself to REMEMBER that I am my #1 priority. This used to feel selfish to me, but it is not selfish at all. I do not go to weight watchers anymore. I know their program and it is a very good program. I use what they have taught me. I use it every day. But there is more.
There has always been the argument of Diets Work and Diets Don't Work. Well they may work for some and not for others. This is a very personal journey and every person has to figure out their own and what is best for them.
A few weeks ago a young friend of mine told me about a book he read. It had nothing to do with diets. The name of the book is 'How to be Sick' by Toni Bernhard. I read this book. It is a Bhuddist's approach to living with chronic illness. There was something in this book that when I read it, it made me cry. It went strait to my core being; Straight to my soul. The passage read something like this, 'be peaceful my body for working so hard to support me'. I immediately began sobbing and changed the words and said to my body, "Thankyou my body for holding my grief all of these years'. I also told my body that I am so sorry for blaming my body for everything, and I said this from the depth of my being.
What I found so interseting was a few days before my friend told me about this book, I did an internet search about Self Compassion and Weight Loss. I had come to a place in my life where I knew that I have to learn compassion for myself, that somehow my weight problem has something to do with being compassionate to me. I found books !!!! So I bought books, and have been reading them. I have also learned that it is normal to eat certain foods for emotional comfort, that is why they are called comfort foods, and that it is not 'bad', it is normal.
I have sticky notes at my desk at work with sayings and reminders to be peaceful and have compassion for everyone and that includes me.
I still measure my food every day, and count points almost everyday, and remember to keep myself my #1 priority. I also have someone very special in my life for support. This is an email friend. I have not yet met her in person but she is the most supportive person in my life and I love her.
I also have calculated how many years of life I gain when I loose weight. This is not scientific. It is just that I have 'this' many pounds to loose and I want to live to be 100, and based on posibly living to 80 and adding 20 years to my life, my ratio is, for every 8 pounds I loose, I gain 1 year of life. I have added 2 years to my life in the last 8 weeks.
This is my motivation;
Living to see my grandbabies grow up.
Living to seeing the next generation, my great grand children be born.
Living is my motivation.
TTFN
Debbie
Like many others I have struggled with my weight most of my life, and like many families most people in my family are overweight and struggle too. When we have a normal weighted person or a thin person, we are happy about that person but we do not understand that person. Most of us are healthy eaters but I must say that I think that I have the most healthy diet of anyone in my family. I eat mostly veggies and fruit with some meats. I have been eating more fish and poultry and less red meats this past year.
When I was a child my mother did not know that veggies could be steamed; they had to be fried in bacon fat. Evreything was fried in bacon fat. My mother's food was delicious but her cooking was Southern cooking and for the most part not very healthy.
Somewhere along my dietary road I learned about 'health food' and I learned to prepare foods in a more healthy way. I am still learning.
The problem is the not the food. Once I learned how to cook in a more lealthy way it was clear that the problem was not the food, at least for me.
The problem is my relationship with the food.
I began putting on weight when I was about 8 years old. I had a very traumatic childhood. I also got married when I was 17 and my husband was a batterer. I left that relationship when I was 27. Three times in my life I lost all the weight that I needed to loose but gained it back. As much as I have gained back I still weigh less than I did when I was married. I aboslutely REFUSE to weigh that much again. That number is more about him than the weight.
My mother died in 1998. For about 18 months before she died I was on a diet and doing well. I still had not learned how to eat in the world and not loose or gain weight. I also had no understanding of my emotional connection to food; AND I was in therapy at that time. I was in ongoing therapy since the day that I left my husband. Weight was addressed in my therapy however I had many other issues that took priority at that time.
When my mother died, I began gaining weight. I gained 80 pounds in 6 months and I absolutley could not understand what was happening to me, and nothing helped me. I was at a loss, but my loss was deeper than what I could understand.
I have had several doctors throughout my life and they have all been concerned for my health and my weight. I would get so angry with them because I thought they could not understand. I thought they did not know that I was doing the very best that I could and that I felt like a failure because I could not keep weight off even if I lost it. I now know that this was not true and now I have made peace with all of them, even the ones I nolonger see.
When I was 10 years old the motivation to loose weight was to stop being teased at school. When I was 24 years old the motivation was to get out of that horrible marriage and be able to get a job to support my kids and I believed that no one would hire me due to my weight. The motivation before my mother died was my young adult sons telling me they were worried about me, and I saw one of my sons loosing weight on a particular program so I tried that program and was loosing the weight. However that program is a protein based program and teaches nothing about how to live in the world once the weight is off and also does not deal with the problems of what put on the weight in the first place.
I feel like my time has come now. I gave up after my mother died and I gained the weight back. I gave up and tried to accept that this is me. I have just tried to keep from reaching that dreaded number on the scale of when I was married. The marriage and my ex are so appaling to me that I will not reach that number!!!
Last year, in September, I was diagnosed with Atriel Fibulation. That is an irregular heart beat and my heat beats too fast. The blood does not get pumped into the lower chambers of the heart very well, and can sit there and coagulate and cause a stroke. So I am on medication for this. I asked one doctor if my weight is the cause. She said no, that it is an electrical problem, but she was still concerned about my weight, and that the weight can cause a heart attack.
We (I) all know that these things happen, and we (I) all know what causes a lot of them, but we (I) stay in denial until it happens.
About 2 years ago I was going to weight watchers and doing ok. One thing I like about WW is that they teach you to 'eat' in the world. That nothing is off limits but it must be counted. For a normal weighted person, they don't need to count, there body and mind just do it autmaticaly. I am not saying they don't pay attention to what they eat, I am just saying that there are those of us who must count or consciously measure (or visually measure) everything. For me it is a constant awareness. I have to be consciously aware of every bite I eat. When I keep myself up front as my number one priority I can do this. But if I slip down my list of priorities then I fail to do this and then I fail. I have been teaching myself to REMEMBER that I am my #1 priority. This used to feel selfish to me, but it is not selfish at all. I do not go to weight watchers anymore. I know their program and it is a very good program. I use what they have taught me. I use it every day. But there is more.
There has always been the argument of Diets Work and Diets Don't Work. Well they may work for some and not for others. This is a very personal journey and every person has to figure out their own and what is best for them.
A few weeks ago a young friend of mine told me about a book he read. It had nothing to do with diets. The name of the book is 'How to be Sick' by Toni Bernhard. I read this book. It is a Bhuddist's approach to living with chronic illness. There was something in this book that when I read it, it made me cry. It went strait to my core being; Straight to my soul. The passage read something like this, 'be peaceful my body for working so hard to support me'. I immediately began sobbing and changed the words and said to my body, "Thankyou my body for holding my grief all of these years'. I also told my body that I am so sorry for blaming my body for everything, and I said this from the depth of my being.
What I found so interseting was a few days before my friend told me about this book, I did an internet search about Self Compassion and Weight Loss. I had come to a place in my life where I knew that I have to learn compassion for myself, that somehow my weight problem has something to do with being compassionate to me. I found books !!!! So I bought books, and have been reading them. I have also learned that it is normal to eat certain foods for emotional comfort, that is why they are called comfort foods, and that it is not 'bad', it is normal.
I have sticky notes at my desk at work with sayings and reminders to be peaceful and have compassion for everyone and that includes me.
I still measure my food every day, and count points almost everyday, and remember to keep myself my #1 priority. I also have someone very special in my life for support. This is an email friend. I have not yet met her in person but she is the most supportive person in my life and I love her.
I also have calculated how many years of life I gain when I loose weight. This is not scientific. It is just that I have 'this' many pounds to loose and I want to live to be 100, and based on posibly living to 80 and adding 20 years to my life, my ratio is, for every 8 pounds I loose, I gain 1 year of life. I have added 2 years to my life in the last 8 weeks.
This is my motivation;
Living to see my grandbabies grow up.
Living to seeing the next generation, my great grand children be born.
Living is my motivation.
TTFN
Debbie
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